its thursday, but the end

oh, its thursday. but thankgod its thursday night/evening. recently ihave been too busy to blog, so sorry about that

but here are a few images that are beautiful i found during the week:


1. reflective perhaps?


2. andrews last shot on his last roll of film. much anger followed this shot. out of focus! haha


3. I WANT THESE GODDAMN PANTS


4. drunk eve at pippa darling's


ahhhh

apologies

sorry, i actually just died.

you're staring at the sun

you're standing in the sea

your mouth is open wide

you're trying hard to breathe.

IUFHGHASG

its at the point now where i cant concertrate, the nausea is overwhelming.

why am i suffering from returning bouts of nausea i hear you ask?

well. its because my boyfriend hasnt spoken to me in 2 weeks.
i mean i know hes busy with the big ugly H.S.C.
i understand that. but i dont want us to break up. and i think that its inevitable.
i love him, and i understand, but i want him to see how hard this is for me as well.
i mean this is happening all over NSW right now i'll bet.

i dont even know how im meant to feel.

a) angry that he wont talk to me, play hard to get, hard to please, until he crawls back to me and says how sorry he is for putting me at the lowest priority.

if only it were as simple as that. the problem, bloggers, is that 1. i cant play hard to get for shit, 2. he wont crawl back to me, 3. its not his fault he is busy.

b) totally understanding and hope that it saves the relationship. see, this is probably the most probable scenario because unlike characters in films, me playing hard to get won't win him back. he'll probably just get angry. and i'll try to save what we have because i need it, and i need us. eurgh, i've turned into one of those lovesick teenagers filled with all this stereotypical boy-drama-angst.

DISGUSTING!

c) go with the flow. BAM-BUMM. not going to happen.
1. im not a relaxed person.
2. i hardly EVER go with the flow.
3. sounds like a stupid idea to be frank.

i know what you are all going to say, just talk to him.

AHA! you all think you've solved my problem. well, let me tell you, its about to get a lot more confusing. its about to get way more confusing, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and j, our relationship or our love, appart from the fact that we cant talk.

if we could talk, the problems would be solved. but the reason we cant talk is because he is too busy, thus creating concerns in our relationship.

ASGUASHJAHOAHJDFHKDF
feel me pain?
im a whinger, i know.

boyfriends forgetting about girlfriends because of something or other.
im not being overdramatic.
this is how i feel.
and i feel like shit.

and i have like 100 kgs of bio assessment to write.and ots 8.07.
B-E-A-UTIFUL.

staring at the sun

im going to be completely honest. im in love. yes. love. the kind thats absolute, inexplicable, undeniable, indescrutible, adoring, and addictive.
im not going to lie. its one hundred percent that kind of love.
its the kind of love that i stress out when i haven't spoken to him in 2 hours, even though in many text messages he has assured me he is still alive.
the kind that make people on the street sick because i cant stop looking at him, looking at me, looking at him.
the kind of love that its a mutual understanding that we would sleep with our heros and heroines should that situation arrive. okay so in my case its cate blanchett, and in his, its the entire band of tv on the radio, plus picasso for headjobs probably, but it doesn't matter.
its the kind of love that when its raining we throw our umbrellas in the bin because we love how each other looks in the rain.
the kind of love that makes me feel incomplete when he isn't next to me.
the kind of love that is so intense that we are quite often asked to leave the room, to which we reply ' Embrace life man!'.
the kind of love where we can sit for entire nights in complete silence and complacency.

thats what kind of love we have.

or had.

listen to this beautiful quote:
"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over"


i have to go and do some work .

remembering

these lyrics pretty much tell the story of my relationship:
Beneath the cigarrettes and sugar shit of alchol breath

I can taste the ocean on your tongue

remember when we sat on the side walk

of your old blockagainst the wall

under the starstalking about love's meaning

Well, I wasn't dreaming

I meant every word

just to know your demons

do you know mine, babe?


are we wastin time, babe?

strange feelings of a wednesday

topic numero uno:
have you ever felt like you just want to kiss someone really badly, not in a romantic way or a sexual way, but just to show emotion, or to show them how much they mean to you?
i dont really have anything more to say on it, just want to know your thoughts...

due: L'amour.
How can so much love disintergrate into the nothingness it is?
How can such devout devotion to each other just get lost, and never found again?
How can the promises of eternity diminish into a few months?
How can your intense * and adult relationship equate to what everyone has or had?
How can we turn into them??

all i want my phone to say is
1 NEW MESSAGE:
JACK

that would make my life!


I actually am not comprehending. so anyway enough about J and my crap love life.
i have this hekkers big assessment for bio due and i keep putting it off.
plus my really good friend c, is having a mental breakdown and i can't help him :(
but looking at my beyond life sized face of cate on my wall is making me feel better already.

argh, these are meant to be the best years of our lives. more like the most deciding.
whether you survive or not is up to how tough you are.

peace.

***(IN- TENTS, sorry its a school thing)

nothing out of the ordinary

i got stressed this evening, so i cut my fringe- and made myself happy. i just finished shakespeare in love. i cried, but christ i dislike paltrow's acting style. im sure she is a lovely person, however.

good thing list:

1. Got a new film camera this afternoon! dad stole it from tafe, and its completely free.

>kudos to him!<

2. my fringe is not a fronty again (y)

3. i've finially adjusted my school skirt, so it now fits. eurgh- still terrible though.

bad thing list:

1. jack hasn't called. still. after 5 days. not that im counting or anything.

2. i ate a whole jar of nutella.

4. i have a massive biology assessment due. why am i even doing that pretentious subject?

oh wait, its because i'm pretentious.

5. jack hasn't called.

whatever.

so that was my day. argh. updates soon with photographs from my brilliant new camera!

i want to have/look like/sleep with:

cate blanchett update also: rumours are she's been offered the role of Pauline Hansen in an upcoming Australian film about the politician's life. i vote yay and nay for so many reasons. she could defiantely have the strength to pull the character off. but i'll be so fricking torn.

my love for cate vs. my hate for racists.

xxxxxxx

the state of my...

desk?
room?
hair?
life?

Messy, chaotic, disorganised, accidental, breakable, familiar.
There are clothes literally all over my floor right now. I can't see my lovely antique floorboards : (

"

Come up to meet you, tell you im sorry, you don't know how lovely you are...

i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you ive set you apart

tell me your secrets, ask me your questions.

oh lets go back to the start.

"

Only positive thing about today was that a got a whole lot of fashion catered for. I found a fantastic pair of men's light denim jeans which is gonig to suit my wardrobe perfectly. I also bought a whole knew stack of black stockings! yay! they're all tight and un-laddered, i wonder how long it will take me to tarnish their reputation.

Currently listening to coldplay, as you can probably note, and its giving me a lot to think about.

im actually loving the whole 'girls dressing like men to get men' idea, and i will aquire many trousers and blazers to wear to suit this. im also craving winter, as Paris Fashion Week has just finished and not only are the collections STUNNING, but the models and fashionista's who attended wore the most inspiring pieces.

im lusting after a large coat, stretchy mini skirts, awesome lace up heels, and mountainous scarves that make the outfit.

peace and love

today has been

today has been epically boring. and i mean epically in the sense of a lot of nothing.

not only have i not started the biology assessment due this friday which is going to take an anverage of 9 hours to do, but i haven't cleaned up my room, hair, life and i haven't started my modern history essay. And im still thinking about jack.

i'll just let you know what i've done today. its 1.46 pm by the way.

i've searched blogs, the selby and researched Thomas Lelu and sung french songs around my massively messy bedroom.

i am itching to find my film camera so i can go out into the world and take some portraits, find my key card so i can go and buy a navy fitted blazer, a lovely black Prada tote, or a fabulous pair of black pumps.

i am itching to move out also. and have a fantastic room/appartment.

updates on my boredom coming soon. peace

afterthoughts of a week in a blur.

1. Blistex, 2. School work, 3. love, 4. remembering, 5. hairstyles

Blistex saves my day, everyday. There hasn't been a time when applying Blistex lip conditioner to my lips hasn't made me feel a little lovelier. The tingling makes you feel excited about whatever it is you are contemplating. NB: Blistex before exams (y).

I have the biggest amount of school work i've pretty much ever had in my entire life. This week has been the shittest week of my life, and i haven't even had time to live it, because i've been getting home from school at 8 or 9, then having to quickly whip up some amazing-ass essay which is due the following morning.

most nights i have fallen asleep at my desk and have woken up at 6 am the next day to finish whatever i fell asleep half way through last night.

On monday night, i was told 'i need space' by him. Now, we are on a break. great. That's fucking great. i feel amazing now. totally. i fucked it up and now i can't get it back. he's so beautiful it hurts.

Tomorrow is Hannah Richter's 5 year anniversary. This means A is going to be distraught. we are gonig somewhere to plant some flowers and say a few words. Its going to be really hard. It hurts to remember, but even more when you forget and then remember. A will never forget.

Finally, i want long hair. That is all

FORGETFULNESS KILLS

FUCK! i forgot to do my english essay! it was due last wednesday, but i've avoided it.

ITS DUE TOMORROW!
oh my lord.

shit.

fuck.

adolescent adventure

(Listening to: Howling Bells)

When you are younger, you hear about all the stories of your older cousins, older brothers and sisters, friend's siblings and of course, those teen icons on television progammes. It all seems so cool, fights with your boyfriend, drunk nights with your friends, intoxicated altercations when you sneak out. You hope of course, that this never happens to you, but perhaps it would be way cool if it did.

And then it happens, before you know it, except unlike on television, or in those stories you've heard which end in a bellowing laugh at the end, there is no humor. The fights with your boyfriend aren't about where he wants to go with you, the drunk nights with your friends and events within them are not remembered and when something bad happens when all these things combine with too much alcohol, and a lack of thinking, you're well and truely fucked.

No-one ever considers the reality of life, especially not me. I know it sounds silly, saying that. But when you think about it, adolescent thinking provides a lot of moving space.

'Oh, its only an ambulance...'
'You know what, you're fucking annoying!'
'Yeah, im fine get off me.'
'Sure i'll skull baileys even though i cant walk'
'police? lets scream and run with goon bags'

Suddenly, you find yourself craving those stereotypical moments you thought you would face adolescence with. You want you and your boyfriend's fights to only be about him being late, not where you guys are going, and if you have a future. Future talks are scary, not like we've been told. You want to have a fight with your bestfriend over sharing, not why she got so drunk she can't stand and lost her bra.

Adolescence isn't safe anymore. It only ever was in your dreams.

woke up intoxicated

which doesn't normally happen, but it did with Mardi Gras in sydney last night! So much fun, but i drank far far too much wine and vodka which left me in quite a state. was there with the boyfriend but i think perhaps he got a little pissed off i was so pissed.

I had fantastically suited makeup and outfit to Mardi Gras, it was fucking awesome.

was planning on seeing the parade, but there was far too much wine to distract me. Apres, we headed back to K's house in Pymble, and was in the pool and drinking Baileys until 6am. Woke up, and i was pissed. turned out the two best friends T & E ended up hooking up. haha- awkward for them, funny for me!

drunk-dialed loads of my favourite people, especially J, my dearest (sorry sweetheart)

here are some favourite pictures of the night...have a little look-see !











much love!

art express

tonight, i attended the launch of artEXPRESS with Jack, his artworks were fucking amazing! have a look of what he can do, it is absolutely crazy...

it was his HSC body of work and was titled "Layers of Self". Layers of Self was a stencil painting where large scale and intricately designed stencils were cut to create different depths. It's a three part self-portrait and features 3 large scale canvases depicting himself amidst confusion of adolesence and adult hood.











i am so proud of him and what he achieved- its completely inspirational. He'd die if he saw me writing this- he's incredibly shy and modest when in comes to his art

peace

getting lost

getting lost is a whole chapter of your life. But unlike most chapters, this one is spread out and a constant recurrance, no matter how old, wise, or knowledgable you become. Getting lost isn't like your fat year seven phase that is over within 12 months, and its certainly not like your obsession with supre phase that lasted a month in year five. Getting lost isnt even as calculated as thatfour year crush you've had on that amazing guy. No, getting lost is a part of life that never goes away, you can't prevent it, you can hardly ever see it coming and most of all, it is impossible to be found.

When you're a kid it's being lost is as simple as being overwhelmed in a swimming pool or a shopping centre. The moment you no longer have the pressure of mummy's hand in yours a sickly feeling of nausea rushes over you, but a split second later you see her waving at you two metres away.

When you're in highschool for the first time and have no idea where the science labs are situated in this vast concrete jungle, you sweat and sweat and sweat because of the humiliation of your red face and lost expression. You completely freakout until you establish that you have been standing infront of them for 20 minutes, crying.

When you hit young adulthood being lost becomes a whole other world- another dimension. There is a whole part of your life that is centrally concerned with making sure you feel lost 90 per cent of the time and the other 10 percent isn't helping either- you end up just worrying you will get lost...

Lost in what though? lost in rules of friendships, relationships, education. lost literally, when you end up walking around for 4 hours not knowing where you are, have been or should go. The moment you realise you're lost, that same feeling of sickly nausea hits you when you were 5, 7 and 13- only this time its harder and faster. You'd think that as you grow, your fears would diminish, or at least that's what we've been told. WRONG.

Not only do they not disapear like we expect them to, but they multiply. They multiply like rabbits on crack, caffeine and V. The responsibility behind your actions increases at a dramatic pace and suddenly when you find yourself lost, there is no one there to find you. No mum, or map or guiding teacher to aid you. There is no-one.

Is that why we yearn for a counterpart so much? We want to make sure we are found when we get lost?

Either way, i failed geography all four years i took it.