sharing secret glances that only we knew
today i heard some absolutely terrible news, and i had to comfort my mate t. its his brother that is j so when t asked me to go with him to his house, i felt sick.
i knew i would see j, but t was so upset that i had to say yes. his friendship means more to me than my pride.
so i swallowed it.
i saw him, and it was okay. but okay, for me, for how i felt before is amazing. okay, so it was werid not being near him and not touching him constantly in his presence, and it was even weirder not sharing secret glances that only we knew, but it was okay.
and okay is good :)
Thursday, April 2
this week
so basically, these past 2 weeks have been the worst days of my life basically just due to the repetitive shitness of them. day, after day, after day. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
last week i lost...
1. my art diary
2. marks for art assessment
3. my boyfriend.
4. my self respect and sanity.
5. too much sleep.
last week i lost...
1. my art diary
2. marks for art assessment
3. my boyfriend.
4. my self respect and sanity.
5. too much sleep.
Wednesday, April 1
a week in review (part two)
okay im ready to talk now.
on friday 20. i left my VAPD on the train. enough said i think.
on saturday 21. still no VAPD, went to p's lovely gathering and got really drunk. i was worrying about me and j the whole time, and if we would ever get back to how we once were.
on sunday 22. i missed 2 trains.my boyfriend broke up with me. i love him with everything i have, and he said that he did too. he said his feelings had changed and that i wasnt to blame. in black and white- im incredibly hurt/depressing to be around, and im sorry about that but you wouldn't understand how shit im feeling write now.STILL NO VAPD
on monday 23. i had to go to school and pretend like nothing was wrong. i felt like dying the whole day. t and e knew something was up but they couldnt do anything,or say anything to make me feel anybetter. i didnt talk to anyone the whole day. poor b, didnt know how to act, i love her.at lunch i had a panic attack in a cubicle, it was too scary for words. after school i had senior drama company and j.b. asked me randomly if i broke up with my boyfriend, i confessed- yes and my good mate th heard and was shocked. poor th, he's so awkward.
called central lost property->NO VAPDS. (3 from my school, none of which being mine)
that night i rang elle and told her everything. that night i cried myself to sleep, like a sad little emo bitch.
on tuesday 24. i had art theory which was epic, and then had dancing. i had to try so hard not to hurt. in modern history h accidently made a joke about me and j, it got me heaps cut. saw j walking as i was in the car on the way home from dancing.(no VAPD). cried a lot today.
on wednesday 25. BIGGEST DAY OF MY LIFE. i
performed romeo and juliet extract in class-> manning liked it.
i had to finish
my art B.O.W at lunch, then eat on my way to my
italian exam, then run to the station to go to
teach dancing in croydon, which the cd player broke within the first 5 mins, i then had to speed to
youth theatre in strathfield followed by a delayed
train home in the rain. then i
ran home at 9.30pm because i left my phone at home. then i
ate cold dinner and then got started on
writing my 2000 word art essay and
finishing my watercolour painting after which, i
wrote my english essay and went to bed at
3.30AM
didnt think about jack much though...
EPIC!!!!!!
then in the morning,
on thursday 26.
i went to school late and out of uniform, just to
hand in my art assessment task which wasnt accepted coz of some protocol shit, had to appeal for this piece of shit art crap.
whatever.
went home and slept for 6 hours straight.
no VAPD. (lost marks for art) fucking piece of shit.
today i got really down about jack. heaps sad when i went to sleep. wrote a letter or 7.
on friday 27. did nothing but hurt for the whole day.was really epic.
elle came over and we went to the video shop in no bra, boys clothes with shit hair no makeup at like 9 o clock at night and we were shuffling to jay zee when who walks in?
MOTHERFUCKING J-BOY!
apparently my face was like this :O the whole time and it was awkward and i had tears running down my face. plus he looked REALLY HOT.
watched im not there- got mega inspired and fell in love with bob dylan (again), got upset about the whole j fiasco because of incident earlier.
no VAPD BY THE WAY.
on saturday 28 e and i woke up and made eggs with loads of salt, then in the night i went over to e's and we dyed our hair (mines purple, e's is dark brown). then we watched dead poets society.
no vapd, if you were wondering (i am)
sunday 29 woke up at e's and took 3 hours to get home (DONT GET ME STARTED ON TRACK WORK, then i watched Capote, took my mind off things. i messaged j to apologise for being a dickhead. no reply as usual- no credit or no care: same thing. painted a shit load today.
monday 30 today started really shitly like all mondays do:
no sleep-in,
beginning of 5 days solid work,
BIOLOGY FOR 80 MINUTES PERIOD ONE.
i also had drama today, and it was really shit. we're doing romeo and juliet and manning thinks im so shit. fucking hell its so hard to be good here, im constantly stuttering with all my words and fucking everything up. told everyone about me and jack breaking up today- feeling better.
had senior drama company today, and me and t had to do our on-stage make out a record of 6 times! woooooooo.. not. the whole time all i thought about was how i wished he was j.
got my italian test back 15/25. dont care i didnt study- too stressed. no vapd grrrrrrrr.
tuesday 31 today was a really good day. the first good one in a while.
i had a Postmodern Essay in eng ext, which i didnt plan for, but wrote 5 pages with nopoint whatsoever, dont really care it wasnt an assessment- i have bigger things to worry about.
had dancing and we did solos and the teacher started crying when i did mine, she thought it was so good that i should teach it to the class! it was so great, i felt wanted for the first time in ages.
and then, just before i went to bed, i got an email for a casting for a program 'Whatever- Teenage Drinkers' on ABC's Cataylst for sunday, where i play an intoxicated teenager. my mates j and h are also going to be there playing in their band!!!
wednesday 1. FOUND MY VAPD! april fools. still no where in sight. had a good day today, hair looked good, as did the makeup and the uniform. handed in my biology book voluntarily and mr s was very pleased. had youth theatre and we just watched the film version of our play- we're getting cast next week, so excited! got an early mark off today in youth theatre, so i got home at 9.30! so good!!!
so that brings us to now.
holy shit so much written im so sorry for the bbacklogue
love you all please comment
on friday 20. i left my VAPD on the train. enough said i think.
on saturday 21. still no VAPD, went to p's lovely gathering and got really drunk. i was worrying about me and j the whole time, and if we would ever get back to how we once were.
on sunday 22. i missed 2 trains.my boyfriend broke up with me. i love him with everything i have, and he said that he did too. he said his feelings had changed and that i wasnt to blame. in black and white- im incredibly hurt/depressing to be around, and im sorry about that but you wouldn't understand how shit im feeling write now.STILL NO VAPD
on monday 23. i had to go to school and pretend like nothing was wrong. i felt like dying the whole day. t and e knew something was up but they couldnt do anything,or say anything to make me feel anybetter. i didnt talk to anyone the whole day. poor b, didnt know how to act, i love her.at lunch i had a panic attack in a cubicle, it was too scary for words. after school i had senior drama company and j.b. asked me randomly if i broke up with my boyfriend, i confessed- yes and my good mate th heard and was shocked. poor th, he's so awkward.
called central lost property->NO VAPDS. (3 from my school, none of which being mine)
that night i rang elle and told her everything. that night i cried myself to sleep, like a sad little emo bitch.
on tuesday 24. i had art theory which was epic, and then had dancing. i had to try so hard not to hurt. in modern history h accidently made a joke about me and j, it got me heaps cut. saw j walking as i was in the car on the way home from dancing.(no VAPD). cried a lot today.
on wednesday 25. BIGGEST DAY OF MY LIFE. i
performed romeo and juliet extract in class-> manning liked it.
i had to finish
my art B.O.W at lunch, then eat on my way to my
italian exam, then run to the station to go to
teach dancing in croydon, which the cd player broke within the first 5 mins, i then had to speed to
youth theatre in strathfield followed by a delayed
train home in the rain. then i
ran home at 9.30pm because i left my phone at home. then i
ate cold dinner and then got started on
writing my 2000 word art essay and
finishing my watercolour painting after which, i
wrote my english essay and went to bed at
3.30AM
didnt think about jack much though...
EPIC!!!!!!
then in the morning,
on thursday 26.
i went to school late and out of uniform, just to
hand in my art assessment task which wasnt accepted coz of some protocol shit, had to appeal for this piece of shit art crap.
whatever.
went home and slept for 6 hours straight.
no VAPD. (lost marks for art) fucking piece of shit.
today i got really down about jack. heaps sad when i went to sleep. wrote a letter or 7.
on friday 27. did nothing but hurt for the whole day.was really epic.
elle came over and we went to the video shop in no bra, boys clothes with shit hair no makeup at like 9 o clock at night and we were shuffling to jay zee when who walks in?
MOTHERFUCKING J-BOY!
apparently my face was like this :O the whole time and it was awkward and i had tears running down my face. plus he looked REALLY HOT.
watched im not there- got mega inspired and fell in love with bob dylan (again), got upset about the whole j fiasco because of incident earlier.
no VAPD BY THE WAY.
on saturday 28 e and i woke up and made eggs with loads of salt, then in the night i went over to e's and we dyed our hair (mines purple, e's is dark brown). then we watched dead poets society.
no vapd, if you were wondering (i am)
sunday 29 woke up at e's and took 3 hours to get home (DONT GET ME STARTED ON TRACK WORK, then i watched Capote, took my mind off things. i messaged j to apologise for being a dickhead. no reply as usual- no credit or no care: same thing. painted a shit load today.
monday 30 today started really shitly like all mondays do:
no sleep-in,
beginning of 5 days solid work,
BIOLOGY FOR 80 MINUTES PERIOD ONE.
i also had drama today, and it was really shit. we're doing romeo and juliet and manning thinks im so shit. fucking hell its so hard to be good here, im constantly stuttering with all my words and fucking everything up. told everyone about me and jack breaking up today- feeling better.
had senior drama company today, and me and t had to do our on-stage make out a record of 6 times! woooooooo.. not. the whole time all i thought about was how i wished he was j.
got my italian test back 15/25. dont care i didnt study- too stressed. no vapd grrrrrrrr.
tuesday 31 today was a really good day. the first good one in a while.
i had a Postmodern Essay in eng ext, which i didnt plan for, but wrote 5 pages with nopoint whatsoever, dont really care it wasnt an assessment- i have bigger things to worry about.
had dancing and we did solos and the teacher started crying when i did mine, she thought it was so good that i should teach it to the class! it was so great, i felt wanted for the first time in ages.
and then, just before i went to bed, i got an email for a casting for a program 'Whatever- Teenage Drinkers' on ABC's Cataylst for sunday, where i play an intoxicated teenager. my mates j and h are also going to be there playing in their band!!!
wednesday 1. FOUND MY VAPD! april fools. still no where in sight. had a good day today, hair looked good, as did the makeup and the uniform. handed in my biology book voluntarily and mr s was very pleased. had youth theatre and we just watched the film version of our play- we're getting cast next week, so excited! got an early mark off today in youth theatre, so i got home at 9.30! so good!!!
so that brings us to now.
holy shit so much written im so sorry for the bbacklogue
love you all please comment
apologies all round
hi everyone! im pretty sure you've all forgotten about me, because im a bad blogger i know.
basically ive just had the weridest week or two and i could even write about it.
i still cant
ill keep you posted soon
love
basically ive just had the weridest week or two and i could even write about it.
i still cant
ill keep you posted soon
love
Thursday, March 26
its thursday, but the end
oh, its thursday. but thankgod its thursday night/evening. recently ihave been too busy to blog, so sorry about that
but here are a few images that are beautiful i found during the week:
1. reflective perhaps?
2. andrews last shot on his last roll of film. much anger followed this shot. out of focus! haha
3. I WANT THESE GODDAMN PANTS
4. drunk eve at pippa darling's
ahhhh
but here are a few images that are beautiful i found during the week:
1. reflective perhaps?
2. andrews last shot on his last roll of film. much anger followed this shot. out of focus! haha
3. I WANT THESE GODDAMN PANTS
4. drunk eve at pippa darling's
ahhhh
Sunday, March 22
Thursday, March 19
IUFHGHASG
its at the point now where i cant concertrate, the nausea is overwhelming.
why am i suffering from returning bouts of nausea i hear you ask?
well. its because my boyfriend hasnt spoken to me in 2 weeks.
i mean i know hes busy with the big ugly H.S.C.
i understand that. but i dont want us to break up. and i think that its inevitable.
i love him, and i understand, but i want him to see how hard this is for me as well.
i mean this is happening all over NSW right now i'll bet.
i dont even know how im meant to feel.
a) angry that he wont talk to me, play hard to get, hard to please, until he crawls back to me and says how sorry he is for putting me at the lowest priority.
if only it were as simple as that. the problem, bloggers, is that 1. i cant play hard to get for shit, 2. he wont crawl back to me, 3. its not his fault he is busy.
b) totally understanding and hope that it saves the relationship. see, this is probably the most probable scenario because unlike characters in films, me playing hard to get won't win him back. he'll probably just get angry. and i'll try to save what we have because i need it, and i need us. eurgh, i've turned into one of those lovesick teenagers filled with all this stereotypical boy-drama-angst.
DISGUSTING!
c) go with the flow. BAM-BUMM. not going to happen.
1. im not a relaxed person.
2. i hardly EVER go with the flow.
3. sounds like a stupid idea to be frank.
i know what you are all going to say, just talk to him.
AHA! you all think you've solved my problem. well, let me tell you, its about to get a lot more confusing. its about to get way more confusing, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and j, our relationship or our love, appart from the fact that we cant talk.
if we could talk, the problems would be solved. but the reason we cant talk is because he is too busy, thus creating concerns in our relationship.
ASGUASHJAHOAHJDFHKDF
feel me pain?
im a whinger, i know.
boyfriends forgetting about girlfriends because of something or other.
im not being overdramatic.
this is how i feel.
and i feel like shit.
and i have like 100 kgs of bio assessment to write.and ots 8.07.
B-E-A-UTIFUL.
why am i suffering from returning bouts of nausea i hear you ask?
well. its because my boyfriend hasnt spoken to me in 2 weeks.
i mean i know hes busy with the big ugly H.S.C.
i understand that. but i dont want us to break up. and i think that its inevitable.
i love him, and i understand, but i want him to see how hard this is for me as well.
i mean this is happening all over NSW right now i'll bet.
i dont even know how im meant to feel.
a) angry that he wont talk to me, play hard to get, hard to please, until he crawls back to me and says how sorry he is for putting me at the lowest priority.
if only it were as simple as that. the problem, bloggers, is that 1. i cant play hard to get for shit, 2. he wont crawl back to me, 3. its not his fault he is busy.
b) totally understanding and hope that it saves the relationship. see, this is probably the most probable scenario because unlike characters in films, me playing hard to get won't win him back. he'll probably just get angry. and i'll try to save what we have because i need it, and i need us. eurgh, i've turned into one of those lovesick teenagers filled with all this stereotypical boy-drama-angst.
DISGUSTING!
c) go with the flow. BAM-BUMM. not going to happen.
1. im not a relaxed person.
2. i hardly EVER go with the flow.
3. sounds like a stupid idea to be frank.
i know what you are all going to say, just talk to him.
AHA! you all think you've solved my problem. well, let me tell you, its about to get a lot more confusing. its about to get way more confusing, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and j, our relationship or our love, appart from the fact that we cant talk.
if we could talk, the problems would be solved. but the reason we cant talk is because he is too busy, thus creating concerns in our relationship.
ASGUASHJAHOAHJDFHKDF
feel me pain?
im a whinger, i know.
boyfriends forgetting about girlfriends because of something or other.
im not being overdramatic.
this is how i feel.
and i feel like shit.
and i have like 100 kgs of bio assessment to write.and ots 8.07.
B-E-A-UTIFUL.
staring at the sun
im going to be completely honest. im in love. yes. love. the kind thats absolute, inexplicable, undeniable, indescrutible, adoring, and addictive.
im not going to lie. its one hundred percent that kind of love.
its the kind of love that i stress out when i haven't spoken to him in 2 hours, even though in many text messages he has assured me he is still alive.
the kind that make people on the street sick because i cant stop looking at him, looking at me, looking at him.
the kind of love that its a mutual understanding that we would sleep with our heros and heroines should that situation arrive. okay so in my case its cate blanchett, and in his, its the entire band of tv on the radio, plus picasso for headjobs probably, but it doesn't matter.
its the kind of love that when its raining we throw our umbrellas in the bin because we love how each other looks in the rain.
the kind of love that makes me feel incomplete when he isn't next to me.
the kind of love that is so intense that we are quite often asked to leave the room, to which we reply ' Embrace life man!'.
the kind of love where we can sit for entire nights in complete silence and complacency.
thats what kind of love we have.
or had.
listen to this beautiful quote:
"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over"
i have to go and do some work .
im not going to lie. its one hundred percent that kind of love.
its the kind of love that i stress out when i haven't spoken to him in 2 hours, even though in many text messages he has assured me he is still alive.
the kind that make people on the street sick because i cant stop looking at him, looking at me, looking at him.
the kind of love that its a mutual understanding that we would sleep with our heros and heroines should that situation arrive. okay so in my case its cate blanchett, and in his, its the entire band of tv on the radio, plus picasso for headjobs probably, but it doesn't matter.
its the kind of love that when its raining we throw our umbrellas in the bin because we love how each other looks in the rain.
the kind of love that makes me feel incomplete when he isn't next to me.
the kind of love that is so intense that we are quite often asked to leave the room, to which we reply ' Embrace life man!'.
the kind of love where we can sit for entire nights in complete silence and complacency.
thats what kind of love we have.
or had.
listen to this beautiful quote:
"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over"
i have to go and do some work .
remembering
these lyrics pretty much tell the story of my relationship:
Beneath the cigarrettes and sugar shit of alchol breath
I can taste the ocean on your tongue
remember when we sat on the side walk
of your old blockagainst the wall
under the starstalking about love's meaning
Well, I wasn't dreaming
I meant every word
just to know your demons
do you know mine, babe?
are we wastin time, babe?
Beneath the cigarrettes and sugar shit of alchol breath
I can taste the ocean on your tongue
remember when we sat on the side walk
of your old blockagainst the wall
under the starstalking about love's meaning
Well, I wasn't dreaming
I meant every word
just to know your demons
do you know mine, babe?
are we wastin time, babe?
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